My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?