“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
😆this is so true
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me