Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.