My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
🤣
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???