My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
yeah not falling for this one
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me as a parent
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*