Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse