I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…