person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
FRED: right
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”