“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.