Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You Might Also Like
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?