fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
LOL!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.