My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
classic mixup
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.