So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The Onion called it…again.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.