Cartman: Respect my
a a
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist