A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Cannot stop laughing at this
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur