This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Body by Oreos