Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent