my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will