Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.