You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!