Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“i am a sweet baby”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room