regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Forever 21… pounds overweight
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening