god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!