Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.