From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
You Might Also Like
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now