Green is just blue that someone peed in
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.