“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“Great, now I have to pee.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!