i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.