I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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Well, this explains it:
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends