stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Growing up was a huge mistake
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.