I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You Might Also Like
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.