Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
new wife guy just dropped
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk