When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
☺️
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎