Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”