Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.