whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You Might Also Like
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Breaking news:
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Holy moly
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
No laws when master is gone
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.