*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?