Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point