michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
#winning
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons