Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My life in a nutshell
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
🛁