[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
New menu item
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear