You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.