Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.