Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?