[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”