Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
You Might Also Like
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Stonehinge
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
i smell a pulitzer
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.