dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Some people were born into their job.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”