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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin