I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.