Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
greetings!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
😅🤣😂
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.